Because I Loved You: A Birthmother's View Of Open Adoption

1. What is the book about?
This book is about the birthmother's side of the story in an open adoption arrangement. Each chapter has two parts, the first offers advice and guidance to pregnant women, birthmothers and adoptive parents; the second is my personal story of placing my son for adoption in 1985 and follows my life in the years after and the relationship with my son and his adoptive parents.

2. What does "open" adoption mean?
An open adoption is one where the birthmother and the adoptive family are able to communicate with each other in order to build a relationship. Communication is done either by letters, phone, or in person.

3. Why did you decide to have a relationship with the adoptive parents?
For me, I knew the only way I could go forward with a decision for adoption was by being able to find out if Joe was okay. I HAD to know he was happy, that he was healthy, that he was loved.

4. What is your relationship with your son like?
Joe and I have a great relationship, he emails me all the time, and we visit as often as we can. He spends time at my parents campground every summer and I always go at the same time. I recently spent the weekend with him for his birthday, my parents came too and we had a great time. Joe is exactly like my dad Ð they're both fun and silly, and completely lovable.

5. How do Joe's parents feel about your relationship?
Kathy and Jerry have been completely respectful of my place as birthmother in Joe's life. They have always supported our relationship, and in turn, I have always respected and supported their relationship as his parents. We all love Joe, and as Joe's father put it, "that makes us all family."

6. Do you have any regrets?
None at all. I admit I questioned this for many years, I always wondered if I had done the right thing. But as I stood at Joe's graduation between his parents, and heard of all his accomplishments over the years, and saw the love and pride in their eyes, I knew. I knew that in this place, with this family, he had become the wonderful young man that he was and every doubt I ever held washed away.

7. Why is sharing a birthmother's point of view of open adoption so important?
This is the first book written by a birthmother that tells a positive story and that reflects adoption as it exists today. Over 90% of domestic adoptions are now open. Other birthmother stories are of pain and regret due to the closed adoptions of the past. People need to understand what adoption is now Ð it does not mean tearing a family apart, rather, your family grows!

8. Who can this book benefit, and how?
This book is for everyone who has had his or her life touched by adoption. For women today who explore this option this is a story that will show them what the possibilities are for them and provide advice for making this decision. It can help adoptive parents to understand birthmother's better so they can loose some of their fears about birthmothers and trust in this new relationship. It also can help friends and family of those in adoption to understand it better and provide positive support.

9. Is there a societal stigma surrounding mothers who give up a child?
Unfortunately, yes, there can be. It can be very difficult for people to understand how a mother could give away her child. People often respond with "I could never give up my child" and make assumptions that the child is unloved. This is why I chose this title for the book: Because I Loved You. Women who choose adoption for their child do so because they love their child so deeply that they are able to put the child's needs ahead of their own.

10. What else do you think the public needs to know about birthmothers?
That we are not lower class, young, uneducated girls. The truth is that birthmother's range across the board in age, income and education. At the time I became pregnant I was co-owner of a printing company, 20 years old, and had a steady boyfriend. I begin my book before I even became pregnant in order to show people that birthmother's should not be defined by that one moment in their life. They have a "before" and there will be an "after."

11. What can birthmothers and adoptive parents do to ensure a successful arrangement?
Trusting in a stranger to begin this relationship is the most difficult step. But birthmothers who choose parents for their child by finding an emotional connection with them first will have something to build off of. For all parties, respect and understanding is vital. Respecting each other's role in the child's life, and understanding that everyone has fears.

12. What if adoptive parents do not have contact with the birthmother, such as in foreign adoptions?
Understanding the love behind a birthmother's choice can help adoptive parents in speaking to their children about being adopted. I firmly believe that the love that brings a mother to this choice does not change based on an address. Hearing my story may give them insight to the emotions their child's birthmother may have felt.